Mar 25, 2010

A Post I'm Not Sure I Want To Post.

(I decided all caps was better than no caps for the title. Do you agree?)

This is a pretty hard post to write. I'm going to go ahead and compose it and then see if I actually push to publish at the end.

Part I:
Dave and I decided last March that we were ready to expand our family. Give Hallie someone to beat up on and adore. We had it timed perfectly so that the baby would be born late fall/early spring. Much better than smack-dab in the middle of summer, which is Mason Sound crazy time. Which is when we had Hallie, ha ha.

So we tried. And tried. And TRIED. I mean, I recorded my temperature daily, knew when I was ovulating, timed things perfectly and...nothing. At this point I knew WAY too much about cervial mucus and cycle days and...yeah. Now, Dave's schedule didn't help the process much. We might have one or two good days a month. One month we had zero chance. And I get that.

But damnit, I was impatient. I wanted a sweet baby to hold and adore and watch Hallie be the big sister she has always wanted to be. It just was not meant to be, I suppose.


February 8th. At last. At LONG last. Pregnancy. I found out I was pregnant 10 days after my LMP, so pretty darned early. So it was going to be a long pregnancy, and that's okay. We were thrilled. I mean, I was over the moon, thrilled. We started telling a few people. I just couldn't resist telling the people that had been along for this ride with me. And ultimately, I'm glad we did.

March 8th. We showed up for the first ultrasound. So excited and nervous! I had been feeling cramping and just like something might just be not right. I think it's normal to be nervous, but....

Anyway, I had the wrong date. Appointment wasn't until tomorrow. Awesome.

March 9th. Appointment. Dave and I chatted while we waited for the doctor. Laughed during the obligatory pap and then got quiet when the sonogram started. And right away I could see. I should have been 7 weeks 2 days. I knew when I ovulated. I knew when I conceived. And the baby was not as big as it should have been I could tell right away. In fact, it was measuring at 6 weeks 2 days.

And that's not all. I had a large hemmorhage in my uterus, which caused an awful lot of blood to form on the left side.

And that's not all. The placenta wasn't attached but for forty percent. And that's when I knew it wasn't going to be a viable pregnancy.

But there was a heartbeat. Very faint. Slow. So faint they couldn't pick it up on the microphone. But because there was a heartbeat, we scheduled an appointment for a week later to check to see if there was any growth.

The rest of the day was a complete blur. I was a wreck. I had to call my mom and tell her. She didn't even know I was pregnant at that point. I was going to surprise her on my birthday when she came in. That was a tough phone call. We had to tell friends and family and ask for prayers. Not all hope was gone, but the doctor had basically laid it out there and told us to prepare ourselves.

In my heart I knew it was over.

1 comment:

Mattlemmon said...

My heart hurts..... ...